Front doors, our assumptions and how to have a KNOCK mindset

Everyone puts up a front door, some are welcoming, some are scary, some are utilitarian. Connection primer helps leaders first learn the biblical mindset, observe a model conversation, practice one-on-one across perceived differences, and receive specific coaching. The desired outcome is not simply understanding welcome. It is demonstrating curiosity, dignity, mutuality, and continued connection.

Connection Primer: Tell, Show, Let, Coach

Session outcome

By the end of the session, each leader will be able to:

• Recognize assumptions created by appearances.
• Approach someone without pity, envy, favoritism, or superiority.
• Conduct a one-on-one conversation using the KNOCK mindset.
• Identify something to receive from the other person.
• Make a specific commitment to continue the relationship.

Ask:

“If these doors represented people, which would you approach first? Which would you avoid? What story have you already created about the person behind each door?”

Explain:

“The doors represent how people show up, not what they are worth. We naturally rank people by appearance, condition, influence, education, confidence, and usefulness. The gospel teaches us to cross the sidewalk without ranking the person behind the door.”

Biblical foundation

James 1:9–11: Status is reversed

• The person in humble circumstances has a high position in Christ.
• The wealthy person must remember their low position before God.
• Visible circumstances are real, but they do not determine eternal worth.
• Both people need an identity that circumstances cannot provide.

Romans 5:8: Love initiates

“While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Christ did not wait for us to become presentable before moving toward us.

Romans 15:7: Welcome reproduces grace

“Welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you.”

We extend the kind of welcome we have already received.

Define belonging before belief

“Belonging before belief means relational welcome before agreement. It does not mean agreement is unnecessary, truth is unimportant, or boundaries disappear. It means dignity, attention, and relationship are not rewards people must earn by becoming like us.”

Teach the KNOCK mindset

• K: Kill the ranking. Place neither person above the other.
• N: Notice assumptions. Separate what you know from what you inferred.
• O: Offer welcome. Communicate interest without requiring performance.
• C: Come ready to receive. Believe the other person carries something you need.
• K: Keep showing up. Move from a pleasant encounter to a continuing relationship.

Show Model conversation

Leader:
“Thanks for taking a few minutes with me. I realized that I know what you do, but I do not know much about what has shaped you. What has been significant in your life recently?”

Other person:
“Most people assume everything is going well. Work has gone well, but caring for my father has been difficult.”

Leader:
“I would not have known that. What has that season been teaching you?”

Other person:
“It has been teaching me that I cannot control everything. I have had to ask for help.”

Leader:
“That challenges an assumption I had. I thought you were probably the person everyone else depended on. What kind of support would be meaningful to you?”

Other person:
“Honestly, having someone check in without asking me to solve another problem would help.”

Leader:
“I can do that. I would also like to learn more about what you are discovering. Would it be all right if I checked in next week?”
Observation questions


Ask the group:

• Where did the leader avoid ranking?
• What assumption was corrected?
• Which question invited honesty?
• What did the leader receive?
• How did the conversation create a next step?

Behaviors to notice

Mindset ->Observable behavior

• Kill the ranking -> Speaks as an equal
• Notice assumptions -> Admits an incomplete perception
• Offer welcome -> Expresses sincere interest
• Come ready to receive -> Asks what the experience is teaching
• Keep showing up -> Establishes a specific follow-up

3. Let: Practice one-on-one

Time: 10 minutes
Purpose: Let leaders exercise the mindset together in a real conversation.

Pair leaders with someone they know less well. If possible, pair people who differ in age, personality, professional background, culture, life stage, or visible circumstances.

 

Step 1: Name the door

Before beginning, each person privately selects the door that best represents how they currently feel they are showing up. They may explain their choice, but they are not required to disclose anything they wish to keep private.

Step 2: Begin with curiosity

The initiating leader may use one of these questions:
“What is something people might assume about you that is incomplete?”
“What experience is shaping you right now?”
“Where have you experienced unexpected encouragement?”
“What is God teaching you through your present circumstances?”
“What do you wish people would ask instead of assuming?”
“What strength has God developed in you that others may not immediately see?”

Step 3: Listen for the gift

The initiator must identify something they can receive from the other person:
Wisdom
Perspective
Encouragement
Correction
Experience
Prayer
A different way of seeing the situation

This keeps the conversation reciprocal. The other person is not treated as a problem, project, or ministry assignment.

Step 4: Reflect what you heard

Use this pattern:


“What I hear you saying is…”
“Something I respect in your story is…”
“Something I can learn from you is…”

The other person may clarify or correct the reflection.

Step 5: Create a next step

Close with one question:

“What would meaningful connection after today look like?”

Possible next steps include:

• A follow-up conversation
• A prayer check-in
• Sharing a meal
• Attending something important to the person
• Introducing them to another leader
• Serving together
• Practice boundaries

Leaders should not:

• Give advice unless it is requested.
• Correct theology during the exercise.
• Compare the story to their own too quickly.
• Ask for traumatic details.
• Promise confidentiality they cannot maintain.
• Turn the conversation into recruitment or problem-solving.

4. Coach: Reflect and improve

Time: 3 minute
Purpose: Convert experience into repeatable leadership behavior.

Partners first coach each other using the following questions.
Peer-coaching questions

• When did you feel most heard?
• Which question helped you open up?
• Did anything feel assumed, rushed, or overly directive?
• Did the conversation feel mutual?
• What should the leader repeat?
• What is one adjustment that would improve the next conversation?

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Helping through intercession, celebrating the gospel invitation of faith (Romans 1:8-15)

First, I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is being reported all over the world. God, whom I serve in my spirit in preaching the gospel of his Son, is my witness how constantly I remember you in my prayers at all times; and I pray that now at last by God’s will the way may be opened for me to come to you.

I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong— that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith. I do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters, that I planned many times to come to you (but have been prevented from doing so until now) in order that I might have a harvest among you, just as I have had among the other Gentiles.

I am obligated both to Greeks and non-Greeks, both to the wise and the foolish. That is why I am so eager to preach the gospel also to you who are in Rome. Romans 1:8-15

Intercession in Romans is God-centered participation in the lives of others. The Holy Spirit intercedes within believers when words fail, Christ intercedes for believers before God, and Christians intercede for one another through earnest prayer. Paul presents prayer not as solitary effort, but as participation in the continuing ministry of the Spirit and the Son. When we pray for others we are joining Christ in his eternal work (Heb 7:25). 

Passage	Intercessor	Focus
Romans 1:9–10	Paul	Prays continually for the Roman believers and for an opportunity to visit them
Romans 8:26–27	Holy Spirit	Helps believers in weakness and intercedes when they do not know what to pray
Romans 8:34	Jesus Christ	Intercedes for believers at God’s right hand
Romans 10:1	Paul	Prays earnestly for Israel’s salvation
Romans 11:2	Elijah	A negative contrast: Elijah appeals to God against Israel
Romans 15:30–32	Roman believers	Asked to struggle alongside Paul in prayer for protection and fruitful ministry

Romans reveals three dimensions of intercession:

1. Divine intercession
   • The Spirit works within believers.
   • Christ represents believers before the Father.
   • Christian confidence rests on God’s activity, not the quality of our words.
2. Missional intercession
   • Paul prays for people to be saved.
   • He requests prayer for protection, acceptance of his ministry, and future service.
   • Intercession advances God’s mission through human dependence.
3. Relational intercession
   • Paul prays for people he has not yet met.
   • He asks the Roman church to “strive together” with him.
   • Prayer makes distant believers active partners in one another’s ministry.

Romans 8:26–27 does not necessarily teach that the Spirit merely gives believers special words. The emphasis is that the Spirit himself intercedes according to God’s will. Our weakness does not prevent effective prayer because God supplies what we lack. 

The movement in Romans is:

Our weakness → the Spirit’s help → Christ’s advocacy → the church’s participation → God’s purposes

Intercession is therefore more than asking God to change circumstances. It is joining God’s concern for people while trusting the Spirit to align our imperfect prayers with God’s will.

Romans also holds together confidence and struggle. Believers can be confident because Christ intercedes for them, yet Paul still describes prayer as strenuous participation. Divine sovereignty does not make prayer unnecessary. It makes prayer hopeful. 

The strongest claim is that intercession begins with God. Romans 8 places both the Spirit and Christ between human weakness and every possible accusation or hardship. Paul’s prayer requests then show how this divine ministry becomes a pattern for the church.

A common misunderstanding is that effective intercession requires eloquence, emotional intensity, or certainty about the desired outcome. Romans 8 challenges this assumption. Believers may not know what to pray, but they are still heard and helped. 

A useful Romans-based framework is HELP:

• Humble yourself: Admit that you may not know what should happen.
• Entrust the person to God: Depend on Christ’s advocacy.
• Listen for the Spirit: Allow your desires to be aligned with God’s will.
• Persist together: Invite others to participate through focused prayer.

Intercession is love expressed through dependence. It brings another person’s salvation, suffering, calling, or need before God while surrendering the outcome to his wisdom.

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Shepherding through group dynamics, aiming for kingdom culture

It's been an incredible week of ministry preparation for September small groups. 

• Last Wednesday I received Rooted Leadership training. The big takeaway was to create an environment of belonging, hospitality and connection. Rooted is built on three things: the foundation of the faith, the formation of a man, and the essential truths of what we believe. It walks through who Jesus is, what it means to have Christ living in you, and the everyday habits that grow a man: the Word, prayer, purity, sharing your faith, and standing firm when life gets hard. I'm doing this online Saturday at 8:00 a.m. CDT. Just specify you want to be in Ben Lorence's group here: https://atgrace.ccbchurch.com/goto/forms/3892/responses/new 
• On Monday my friend Becky at Grace Church aligned that Spanish translation of Rooted would take a few weeks to modify the materials and ensure a high quality product. We aligned on developing an online Community to host Rooted Bible study participants. The platform will account for the goals belonging, connection, prayer support and life change in the context of daily Bible study. This morning I saw my idea to fix/simplify Spanish lectures with youtube went into production at grace.church/spanish
• Thursday was the BSF Leadership Workshop for the Roman's study year. We focused on our hearts, identifying where we're working in step with the Lord vs getting away from our calling. 
• Yesterday I had the pleasure of attending the Alpha Leadership training at Substance church with my TC friends and family. I received prayer to call additional leaders into the Portland house Alpha opportunity as this will be my last year of serving as the primary leader. Prayer on Thursday will continue. 
• We've also been praying for our own family dynamics, health issues and living situations. 

I'm like the Kook-aid guy crashing into the room with unreasonable expectations for myself and others. 

Alpha leader is not responsible for controlling the conversation or producing the “right” spiritual outcome. The leader creates a hospitable environment where people can honestly explore, while trusting the Holy Spirit to work. "Evangelism is joining a conversation the Holy Spirit is already having with another person." - Darrell Johnson

Jesus life models the "Kingdom Culture" for us, he made disciples in the marketplace and at synagogue. He modeled a life on mission, helping people everywhere learn about forgiveness, prayer, healing, hope and eternal life. He was fully integrated moving with people from their felt needs into trusting God with their whole lives. We however tend to lean into one or two of the areas that turns into striving, selfishness or shallowness - we call this "missing the mark." We do all these trainings to remind ourselves that we are witnesses of God working in other peoples lives - not "doing witnessing" as an activity or manipulation. 

The most useful strategic distinction is that Incubate → Implement → Increase → Influence describes organizational adoption, while Curriculum → Program → Ministry → Culture describes organizational transformation. A church can therefore measure not just "How many Alphas are we running?" but "How much has the Alpha posture changed how we engage people?"

How do we engage people coming from various perspectives:

• Skeptic: questions Christianity or its claims.
• Seeker: spiritually interested and actively exploring.
• Starter / re-starter: beginning faith or returning after time away.
• Struggler: wrestling with faith, circumstances, doubts, or behavior.
• Sampler: curious and willing to experience Alpha without necessarily committing.
• Server: already inclined toward faith and contributing to others.

The important implication is that people are not all starting from the same place, so leaders should not expect them to respond the same way.

What difficult group dynamics should leaders anticipate?

• Dominant guest
• Eager Christian who overshares
• Quiet guest
• Quiet group
• Chaotic group
• Guest dealing with significant personal problems

These are better understood as situations to shepherd rather than people to fix.

The “6 Ways to be Mindful” provide the leadership response:

Principle	Leadership behavior	What it protects
1. Recognize your own bias	Notice the assumptions you bring into the conversation	The guest from being judged through the leader's experience
2. Respect various perspectives	Make room for disagreement and different experiences	Psychological and relational safety
3. Model curiosity	Ask rather than immediately explain or correct	Discovery and authentic conversation
4. Absorb hostility	Remain gracious when challenged	The group from becoming defensive or adversarial
5. Lead carefully and confidently	Intervene when needed without dominating	Healthy boundaries and participation
6. Trust the Holy Spirit to be the Guide	Resist trying to manufacture spiritual outcomes	God's agency and the guest's freedom

There is an important progression here:

Self-awareness → hospitality toward others → curiosity → resilience → leadership → dependence on God.

The strongest leadership principle may be #6 because it changes how the other five are practiced. If the leader believes conversion or agreement depends primarily upon the leader's persuasive ability, curiosity easily becomes interrogation, confidence becomes control, and disagreement becomes something that must be defeated.

useful leadership framework emerges from the slides:

Receive → Explore → Shepherd → Release

Receive: “You are welcome here as you are.”

Explore: “Tell me more. What makes you think that?”

Shepherd: “Let's make sure we hear from some other people too.”

Release: “I don't have to force the conclusion. The Holy Spirit is the Guide.”

That produces a simple diagnostic question for an Alpha leader:

“What does this person need from me right now: space, curiosity, encouragement, a boundary, or nothing?”

That is especially powerful because the same behavior should not be applied uniformly. The dominant guest probably needs a boundary. The quiet guest probably needs space and invitation. The skeptic often needs curiosity. The struggler may need empathy. The eager Christian may need coaching. The personal-problems guest may need care beyond the group meeting.

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Day6 live idea

An important part of BSF Leadership is passage discovery/homiletics. It's my favorite take-away from BSF that gives me freedom to explore scripture and learn more after doing the day-by-day lesson. Often times we don't get into Day 6 of the lesson before the discussion time is over and many non-leaders in BSF don't know what homiletics is. So I thought about creating a space to share Day6 as an above and beyond option for people who are really into it or new leaders who are just getting starting and my be feeling overwhelmed. So I got the day6.live domain as I was contemplating these things. 

 "Day 6" in the Bible points in two directions — the sixth day of creation in Genesis 1, and the broader symbolism the number six picks up elsewhere. Here's both.

The sixth day itself (Genesis 1:24–31)

• Land animals — livestock, creeping things, and wild beasts, each "according to its kind," sharing the day with humanity. Humans are grouped with the land creatures, then sharply distinguished from them.
• The image of God — "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness." The deliberative plural, and the fact that God speaks about humanity rather than simply commanding it into being, sets this act apart from the previous five days.
• Male and female — both bear the image; the text gives no hierarchy in the bearing of it.
• Blessing and mandate — be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, subdue it (kabash), have dominion (radah). Often called the creation mandate or cultural mandate.
• Vegetarian provision — seed-bearing plants given as food to humans and animals alike, with no killing in view before Genesis 9.
• "Very good" — the only day that gets the intensified verdict (tov me'od) rather than plain "good." The sixth day completes and crowns the sequence.
• Genesis 2 then retells the same day up close: dust, the breath of life, the garden, the naming of animals, the woman drawn from the man's side.

Six as a symbolic number

• Labor before rest — six days of work, then Sabbath (Exodus 20:9–11); six years of service, freedom in the seventh (Exodus 21:2); six years of sowing, then the land's rest (Leviticus 25).
• Preparation day — the sixth day is when Israel gathers double manna for the coming Sabbath (Exodus 16:22–26). It's the day of getting ready.
• Falling short of seven — since seven signals completeness, six often carries a sense of the not-quite. Goliath stands six cubits with six pieces of armor; Nebuchadnezzar's image is sixty cubits by six; Revelation 13:18 gives 666 as "the number of a man."
• New-creation typology — many readers connect the crucifixion, which John places on the preparation day (the sixth), to the sixth day of creation: Pilate's "Behold the man," Jesus' "It is finished" echoing the finishing of Genesis 2:1, then rest in the tomb through the Sabbath. Paul's "last Adam" (1 Corinthians 15:45) and "the image of the invisible God" (Colossians 1:15) run along the same line.

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Pure desire - pilgrims progress into the kingdom of heaven

Enjoyed breakfast with my friend who has been inspired by Pure Desire. We talked about freedom we have in Christ to follow a new way of living that fills us rather than destroys our well being and distracts us from our purpose. The devil comes to kill steal and destroy but Jesus comes to give life to the full. We talked about Young Washington and Brink of War. Wholesome entertainment that edifies rather than terrifies. Stories that you want to talk about rather than shame and guilt you hope nobody finds out about. I'm looking forward to leading Rooted in Faith Bible study with my church, helping men come out of Babylon into the kingdom of heaven. 

Reminds me of this part of Pilgrims Progress - interpreter bringing light where there are shadows - giving light to the rest of our journey (Passion vs Patience,  Hopelessness vs Hope). Look don't just see, listen don't just hear... Eyes that see, ears that hear and heart that understands

Gift from my mom for graduation decades after I graduated

We talked about the Thyatira — the fourth of the seven churches, addressed in Revelation 2:18–29. I was thinking about Thyatira, biblical love and sinful tolerance within the church just a month ago in Colorado. 

The letter actually opens with praise: Christ commends their love, faith, service, and endurance, noting their latter works exceed the first. The charge is that they "tolerate that woman Jezebel, who calls herself a prophetess," teaching believers to commit porneia and eat food sacrificed to idols (2:20). She's given time to repent and refuses, and the judgment language is severe — a sickbed for her, tribulation for her followers, death for "her children."

• "Jezebel" invokes memory of the Phoenician queen of 1 Kings 16–21 who imported Baal worship into Israel. The pairing of sexual immorality with idol-food is the same combination charged against Pergamum's Balaam faction.
• To those who don't hold her teaching — those who haven't known "the deep things of Satan" — the only burden is to hold fast, with the promise of authority over the nations and the morning star.
• Consecration is our obedience in Sanctification, thanking God for this Sabbath day reading Psalm 92
  

Biblical material on this is spread across law, prophecy, wisdom, gospel, and epistle, and the vocabulary itself is worth noticing first. The Hebrew zanah means to "whore" or be unfaithful, and gets used for both literal sexual acts and covenant betrayal. The Greek porneia — the New Testament's umbrella term, usually rendered "sexual immorality" — is left conspicuously undefined, which most scholars take to mean the writers assumed their readers knew the Levitical catalog behind it.

The legal core. Leviticus 18 and 20 give the fullest list: incest, adultery, bestiality, sex during menstruation, male same-sex intercourse, child sacrifice to Molech folded into the same chapter. The framing is striking — these are "the practices of Egypt and Canaan," and the land itself is said to vomit out its inhabitants over them. Deuteronomy 22 adds case law with a heavy emphasis on protecting women from false accusation and coerced sex. Adultery makes the Decalogue; so does coveting a neighbor's wife, which already moves the concern inward.

The prophetic metaphor. This is arguably the dominant thread and the one people miss. Hosea marries a promiscuous woman as a living parable; Jeremiah 2–3, Ezekiel 16 and 23 (shockingly graphic by any standard), and Malachi 2 all cast Israel's idolatry as adultery. The logic runs both directions — sexual unfaithfulness is treated as an icon of covenant unfaithfulness, and idolatry is described in explicitly sexual terms. Revelation closes the canon with the same image: Babylon as the great whore, her porneia bound up with imperial violence and luxury trade.

Jesus radicalizes and interiorizes. Matthew 5:27–30 relocates adultery to the lustful look, with deliberately absurd hyperbole about eyes and hands. His divorce sayings appeal past Mosaic concession back to Genesis 2:24 — "one flesh" as the created norm. Notably, his hardest words fall on men exploiting legal privilege, while his encounters with women accused of sexual sin (John 8, Luke 7, the Samaritan woman) are consistently disarming rather than condemnatory.

Paul gives the most developed argument, in 1 Corinthians 5–7. His case isn't primarily "the rules say so" — it's ontological: sex joins persons, even with a prostitute one becomes "one flesh," so porneia is uniquely a sin against one's own body, which is a temple of the Spirit and no longer self-owned. 1 Thessalonians 4 adds a communal-justice angle (don't wrong a brother in this matter), and the vice lists in Galatians 5, Ephesians 5, and Colossians 3 keep sexual sin in company with greed — which Paul twice calls idolatry.

Themes that recur across all of it:

• Sex is treated as covenantal and body-joining, never as a private, self-contained transaction — the "one flesh" language does most of the theological work.
• Sexual ethics function as a boundary marker, distinguishing Israel and then the church from surrounding cultures. The distinctiveness is part of the point.
• The body is not autonomous — it belongs to God, and within marriage, mutually to the spouse (1 Cor 7 is unusually reciprocal for its era).
• Interiority deepens over time, from act to desire.
• There's a persistent exploitation and justice dimension: protection of the vulnerable, and Ezekiel 16 famously names Sodom's sin as pride and neglect of the poor.
• Sex itself is affirmed as good. Genesis blesses it before any fall, the Song of Songs celebrates erotic love with no reproductive justification offered, and Paul assumes marriage is normal. The prohibitions aren't framed as anti-body.
• Restoration is always available. Hosea buys his wife back; David is confronted and not discarded; Paul tells the Corinthians "such were some of you — but you were washed."

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